Thoughts on Helplessness and Transition

There are numerous think-pieces and articles out there about how the world’s shutdown of the last 2 years has spurred many people into deep self-reflection and exploration of “the meaning of life”. But as completely empty and shallow as that sounds, I think this reset is exactly what was needed. Here’s my personal story.

When I ended university about 7 years ago, apart from engaging in freelance competitive debate coaching (merely because I knew I was good at it), I didn’t really know what I was doing. I floated from option to option. I picked up another random academic credential, engaged in random activities, workshops, and tournaments, took up driving lessons but didn’t follow through to actually sit for the test or get the license, took up guitar and keyboard lessons, but didn’t follow through after a few lessons each… you see where I’m going with this.

When lockdown started and all of these activities came to a grinding halt, I was forced to reckon with the fact that I genuinely had no direction or plan in life. I had stayed in my comfort zone for so long that I had no conception of what life itself was meant to be about. What followed was WEEKS of depression, anxiety and helplessness. I literally sat in bed and didn’t leave except for the meals my parents forced me to have for days on end. I knew I had to make decisions, but I couldn’t bring myself to DO anything. I spent a lot of the next few months just shutting down the brain and running on auto-pilot, coaching debating in schools online where I could, putting on fake smiles for friends and family and spending LOTS of time wrapped up in bed.

Then in the middle of the year, I got a random Facebook notification. An ex-lecturer of mine from my Polytechnic days shared a post in our alumni group about a part-time course in Digital Content Marketing that was for people considering a mid-career switch. It felt like a light at the end of the tunnel, my way out of the sinkhole I’d put myself in by not “starting a proper career” post-university. So I enrolled in the programme and used my PSEA and SkillsFuture credits to pay for the course completely.

I was nervous but excited to be back in a classroom. However, even though I was learning a lot and doing decently well grades-wise, I realised that enrolling in this class didn’t actually solve my initial problem of complete uncertainty and instability in life. That’s when I realised, I was holding on to the comfort zone of debate coaching for income too much and it was time to let go.

Just thinking about that option was scary, but putting it into action, informing all of my clients that I won’t be re-signing contracts in 2022, finding replacement coaches for my competitive teams etc…that was SCARIER. I was making concrete plans to LOSE income with no back-ups put in place yet. I slowly started applying for jobs. Thankfully I had a pair of EXCELLENT close friends who helped ease the anxiety by helping me edit my CV and cover letter using their experiences, giving me interview and application advice and generally being supportive of this massive switch I was making in my life.

Just this month, I start a new position in a company that allows me to do something I know how to do well- plan and execute events- in a new and challenging environment. The completely new environment is still anxiety-inducing, but I know taking this first step is crucial to rebuilding not just my career stability but also my confidence and mental health.

Transitions are complicated and difficult. Jumping into a new environment with no safety nets can feel like too big a hurdle to overcome and therefore retreating to our comfort zones become the easier path to take. But I’ve come to realise that the thought of the hurdle is actually scarier than the hurdle itself. Now that I’ve crossed it and am on the other side, I realised that wall wasn’t that high after all and I had just built it up too much in my own anxiety-riddled mind. I’m not saying that it is all smooth-sailing from here. Of course not. Every day is another new hurdle, especially in a new work environment for me. But I’m slowly starting to recognise that I definitely AM strong enough, good enough, smart enough, capable enough to at least ATTEMPT to tackle whatever is thrown at me.

Maybe transition isn’t all that bad after all.